Why the marriage gap is bad for America

 

By Leah Ward Sears, Special to CNN Leah Ward Sears pic.jpg

December 16, 2010 1:00 p.m. EST

 

Editor's note: Leah Ward Sears is a retired chief justice of the Georgia Supreme Court and a partner at the Atlanta office of Schiff Hardin LLP. She also is the William Thomas Sears Distinguished Fellow in Family Law at the Institute for American Values.

 

(CNN) -- Over the past 40 years, marriage has foundered among the poor, with the nation's attention especially focused on the decline of marriage in poor black communities. But an important new report finds that "the retreat from marriage has now clearly moved into the precincts of [both] black and white Middle America."

 

The report, "When Marriage Disappears: The Retreat from Marriage in Middle America," was released by the National Marriage Project, a nonpartisan initiative at the University of Virginia directed by family scholar W. Bradford Wilcox.

 

Wilcox's study finds that over the last 30 years, among what the report calls "Middle Americans" (the 58% of moderately educated Americans who have a high school degree), the proportion of children born outside of marriage skyrocketed from 13% to 44% while the portion of adults in an intact first marriage dropped from 73% to 45%.

 

Meanwhile, among financially well-off Americans (the 30% who have a college degree or higher), the proportion of children born outside of marriage climbed only slightly from 2% to 6%, the divorce rate dropped from 15% to 11%, and intact first marriages dropped from 73% to 56%.

In sum, the relationships of Middle Americans increasingly resemble those of the poor, while marriages among upscale Americans are getting better in many respects.

 

As a divorcee myself who, for a time, reared my children alone before my remarriage 13 years ago, I know all

too well that the rise in children born outside of marriage and the high divorce rate call for compassion. While we must help people in all types of family situations, we must not turn a blind eye to the social injustice of the growing, class-based marriage gap.

 

The retreat from marriage in Middle America is not a retreat from bearing children. Wedding bands may be out of vogue, but in Middle America, women pushing strollers, diaper bags slung over their shoulders, infants hidden in bundles of blankets, are as common a sight as ever.

 

But children who grow up in Middle America today are far less likely to grow up with their own parents than they were 30 years ago. By contrast, a greater proportion of children in upscale America live with their mothers and fathers today than they did 30 years ago.

 

Wilcox found that Middle Americans appear to be becoming less "marriage-minded" in some respects than upscale Americans. While 76% of teenagers from upscale America said they would be embarrassed if they got (or got someone) pregnant, for example, 61% of Middle Americans said the same.

 

This is important because, as Wilcox notes, the social science evidence today is indisputable: Children who grow up in intact, married families are significantly more likely to graduate from high school, find work and enjoy a stable family life, compared with their peers who grow up in broken families.

 

The class-based marriage gap is also an injustice because most Americans still seem to desire a happy marriage. Wilcox found that the vast majority of Americans of all classes still say marriage is "very important" or "one of the most important things" to them.

 

But while they long for it, few in Middle America today have good models or the confidence that their relationships are strong enough to last: 43% of Middle Americans agreed that marriage has not worked out for most people they know, while 17% of upscale Americans agreed.

What should we do?

 

We don't go about insisting that the poor are better off left alone in their poverty -- as if this were a state they chose and should remain in. Instead, we recognize poverty as an injustice. We set about helping the less fortunate find fortune.

 

It's the same with the growing, class-based marriage gap. We can't just put a bandage on the injustice by, for instance, providing support groups only to single parents, albeit support groups certainly can help. Instead, we should help couples; too, achieve the stability for which they long.

 

This means, among other things, reconnecting marriage and parenthood in the public imagination, encouraging both religious and secular civic organizations to reach out to Americans from less-privileged backgrounds, and also urging state lawmakers to reconsider how existing divorce laws are helping -- or hurting -- our families.

Strengthening marriage and parenthood are key to renewing a broad and flourishing middle class. As Wilcox notes, marriage "has long served the American experiment in democracy as an engine of the American Dream, a seedbed of virtue for children, and one of the few sources of social solidarity in a nation that otherwise prizes individual liberty."

 

Marriage today is all of those things -- for upper-class Americans. Our challenge is to extend the benefits of married life once again to all.

 

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Leah Ward Sears

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Marriage: America’s Greatest Weapon Against Child Poverty

Abstract: Child poverty is an ongoing national concern, but few are aware that its principal cause is the absence of married fathers in the home. Marriage remains America’s strongest anti-poverty weapon, yet it continues to decline. As husbands disappear from the home, poverty and welfare dependence will increase, and children and parents will suffer as a result. Since marital decline drives up child poverty and welfare dependence, and since the poor aspire to healthy marriage but lack the norms, understanding, and skills to achieve it, it is reasonable for government to take active steps to strengthen marriage. Just as government discourages youth from dropping out of school, it should provide information that will help people to form and maintain healthy marriages and delay childbearing until they are married and economically stable. In particular, clarifying the severe shortcomings of the “child first, marriage later” philosophy to potential parents in lower-income communities should be a priority.

To read the rest of the article 

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IS THERE A RIGHT WAY TO ARGUE WITH YOUR SPOUSE?

 

New research in the Wall Street Journal shows that fighting fair can lengthen and strengthen your marriage.  TODAY’s Amy Robach takes a look at a communication skill called the Speaker-Listener technique that can greatly increase a couple’s ability to fight in a healthy way.  Scott Stanley, co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage states that couples who handle conflict poorly are set-up for marital failure.  The ability to maintain positive communication from the earliest years of marriage plays a big part in who remains happy and who ends up in divorce court. 

 

 

Click here to see the full interview. Wall Street Journal

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On October 15, 2009, area faith leaders joined together across denominational and racial lines to sign a public document to make healthy marriages a priority in their congregations. More than 200 cities across the nation have created similar Community Marriage Declarations, and divorce rates have fallen an average of 17.5%, and cohabitation by a third (visit www.marriagesavers.org for more information). Mayor Jim Wetherington issued a proclamation declaring October 15 Right from the Start, Building Strong Marriages and Families Day.

                    

Below is the full text of the Columbus Marriage Declaration:

COLUMBUS COMMUNITY MARRIAGE DECLARATION
           Established October 15, 2009

We, the members of the Columbus faith community invite all to join us in the quest to help promote healthy, stable marriages. 
 
We recognize that the FAMILY is the core of the larger society and the health of the family impacts the health of our community. 

WE BELIEVE:

  • Marriage is intended to be a mutually healthy and loving relationship between a man and a woman.
  • Healthy marriage relationships form the foundation of healthy families.
  • Children thrive when raised by their two parents in an enduring, healthy marriage.
  • As shepherds to our community, we uphold standards and work with others to support healthy and stable marriages.
  • We must invest in future generations by preparing couples for marriage, empowering all marriages, and healing hurting marriages for the purpose of strengthening the overall health of our community. 

THEREFORE, WE WILL:

  • Provide young people and single adults tools and resources to help them make healthy choices in their present and future relationships.
  • Offer couples the opportunity to discover their “marriage readiness.”
  • Expect engaged couples to attend a minimum of six hours of pre-marital education.
  • Mentor and support newlyweds during the critical first year of marriage.
  • Create occasions to provide educational support to strengthen marriages and families.
  • Urge other community leaders to broaden their knowledge and expertise in the areas of relational health and family.
  • Encourage one another to model strong healthy marriages and families.
  • Collaborate with other organizations to support marriages and families.

We recognize that this declaration is not meant to replace standards concerning marriage of our respective faith communities and we encourage local congregations to endorse, publicize, and support this declaration.

As leaders in the faith community, we will work with each other to support this declaration, in full respect of the uniqueness of every group and individual.